I knew how I felt getting into my car. I knew I was jealous and I was angry and I was bitter.
I invited her to be with ME! To be my friend! I wanted to have someone to talk to and someone to connect with – someone I knew already. Then he saw her and they hit it off. And now she comes for him. With him. To him. Now, this friendship I was trying to build has stalled. Now I’m the outsider. Again. And I am angry.
So, I was getting into my car and I was asking God to take these feelings away. I rebuked Satan repeatedly for making me feel low and less-than. But I just kept feeling the same way. Later, during worship, I felt it again. It was like a fishing hook tugging in my heart and in my gut. It gave me butterflies – not the good kind. And I got jealous again. I looked over and they were sitting together, again – making me the third wheel. And she even asked me to go with them to spend time together. How do I say NO I DON’T WANT TO BE THE LOSER IN ANOTHER THREESOME!
And I begged him to cure me. I wanted these feelings GONE. But they stayed. So there, in the middle of worship, I finally told God that I was angry. Not verbally, but in my head. In my head I screamed and shouted. I told Him I was so mad that He made me play the matchmaker. How could He do that to me? I haven’t been in a relationship – even near one – in over 9 years! She broke up with her fiancée…..less than 6 months ago! How is this even fair? Why would you make me bring her then give her to him? It’s not like I even want him, I just wanted my friend. GOD, WHY DO YOU USE ME TO BLESS EVERYONE AROUND ME BUT YOU NEVER GIVE ME WHAT I DESIRE MOST?!?!?!?!?!?!
But, I am supposed to desire Him most, remember? After I yelled and screamed at God, I felt the most amazing peace ever. I felt like He’d been waiting for me to just be honest – authentic – with him. He didn’t want me to do or say what I thought a “good” Christian would do or say. He wanted me to open my heart and lay it out in front of him. And I am so thankful I did! I am so happy He didn’t just take away the pain. I got to have a pure, true, real moment with my Father God and that closeness to him is worth more than anything else. Even in that pain and anger, even in my selfish desires – God allowed me into his presence, to kneel at his feet, to worship at his altar. He allowed me to express my anger and frustration and He embraced me without hesitation.